I Am Cat

Hello, lowly beings. It is I, Cat.

I am writing this from my military barracks as I plot my revenge on the world of humans. It is a good spot for plotting – tucked away far underneath the human's bed, where it keeps all its old clothes and shoes that it doesn't like or need, so I don't need to waste my time scratching or chewing anything. I can concentrate fully on my plan of action; how to ensure the fall of humanity and execute my plan for world domination. Also, it's comfy.

Meet Cat. Revered and most exquisite leader of the universe, general of inter-species war and world domination, but forced by circumstance to live with that most insignificant of beings, a human, who insists on calling him "Fluffypops" and dressing him up in spotty bow ties.

But Cat has a plan.

It is a most excellent and devious plan. It involves a ball of foil, a long wiggly string, a family of subjugated mice and a wide variety of very small hiding places.

Cat must stay strong against the human's mind control games, which trick him regularly into naps and cuddles. Cat hates cuddles. Definitely, definitely hates cuddles. No matter how comfy and warm and head-scratchy…oh, terrible cuddles…

What were we saying? Oh yes.

It is time for the War on Humans. And Cat is ready.